Nobody gets to say goodbye
by Missthirdward
Summary: Will is mourning the death of Alicia, will he get through it?... One-shot set in a different alternative to 5x15, (in Will's pov). If your looking for a short story to read this is not it! All rights go to the writers and creators of the show:)


**I know the last thing I should be doing is writing another story considering I'm on lock with a few others but I couldn't get this idea out of my head. I also know that it would make absolutely no sense if Alicia was to die because she is the main character of the show but there are so many fics out there reflecting back on Alicia's mourning so I wanted to see what it would look like if it were a different alternative. This is a one-shot, and if you haven't noticed already, its really really really long! Enjoy and don't forget to review please. **

One year, one year since she's been gone and it still hurts, sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever stop but then I realise that she's gone and she's never coming back and it feels like my heart is clenching in pain. I feel like my heart was ripped out of my chest the first time I found out. Finding out through CNN breaking news was probably not the best alternative but ever since that night I feel like I haven't been able to breathe or live again. The only thing I can remember was the last time I saw her, we bumped into each at her law firm and I still remember her smile as she waved goodbye to me. It was as if in slow motion, I didn't realise until after that that it would be the last time I was to see her. She was the only woman I ever loved and I think everyone found that out the moment she was buried. Diane, Kalinda, Cary, they all know and as much as I am grateful for their patience I hate the way they now stare at me, as if I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. After the shootings more and more clients left Lockhart Gardner, so that's when Diane brought up the idea of merging firms with Cary and to be honest I didn't really care what Diane or Cary wanted to do. I gave all power to her to run the firm and stepped off. Work just seems pointless nowadays but Lockhart Agos and Gardner is now Chicago's top law firm and I should feel pretty proud about it but I can't find the energy to even care.

Everywhere I look I see her, the first few months it was painful but I got used to it and now, living with her ghost is probably the only thing that keeps me going. Peter took a few months off Governorship to grieve over the loss and I have to admit it surprised me, just a little. I never really realised just how much he loved her, maybe that's because of a result of the hookers and cheating but as I watched his face at the funeral and the months that came after it I then realised just how much he was grieving too. She was loved, that's for sure, everyone loved her and it was amazing to see just how much people repaid their respects but it was also sad to think that she loved other people other than me. I know that's more selfish than you can get and the worst part is, I don't even know if she loved me, that's the most painful agonizing part of this whole dynamic. Even though I can't remember much of the months after her death I can still remember the funeral vividly.

_As her coffin was setting down towards the ground, the faces of her children's were absolutely gut wrenching and the aftermath of it was also. Peter and Eli invited everyone to his house in Highland Park to pay their respects and have lunch. I didn't want to go, after all it was the house she spent most of her marriage in but Diane as well as everyone else dragged me there. We were sitting in the kitchen, Diane, Kalinda myself and Eli, everyone else was in the Dining room area and Alicia's daughter Grace walked in and stopped abruptly as she saw me. All four pair of eyes fell on the sight of her, it wasn't hard to tell that she had been crying and she swallowed awkwardly as she slowly walked over towards the fridge and stood there for a few seconds just gazing towards it. I realized that she was staring at the family photos pinned on the board and it looked like she wanted to vomit or burst but as strong as her mother was she held it in. "Grace…" Zach whispered as he walked into the kitchen and paused as he saw all four of us. "Sorry.." he whispered avoiding my eyes. "It's alright Zach" Eli responded. "Grace lets go home" Zach whispered confusing the four of us. Home? Isn't this their home? But I'm once again reminded that Alicia didn't live here, she had two homes but her apartment, the apartment I spent a few nights in was her home. I realised that no matter what that was her children's home, not this oversized characterless house. Alicia's place was their home and always would be, my heart sank in sorrow as I realised it. Grace looked absolutely lost as she nodded her head absent minded towards her brother then glanced back at me. Maybe I should look away? Give her the opening to stare at me as much as she would like but I couldn't find the courage to look away. Her painful, teary dark brown eyes were locked with mine and I knew. I knew she knew that her mother and I were close or was close, maybe she knew more than I thought? But right then in that moment I couldn't seem to think. Alicia's children's pain must be ten times worse than mine and I wished there was something I could say or do but in this situation I felt helpless. "Are you leaving?" Eli interrupted awkwardly and Zach nodded indifferently. "Yeah, we're a bit tired. Can you uh, can you tell dad we've gone home" the last word 'home' echoed in the air. "You're going to be alone?" Eli asked in shock and Zach lightly shook his head. "Grandma Veronica is already at the apartment" he explained and I could still feel the eyes of Grace laced on me, so could Diane and Kalinda and it's as if I could read all pair of their thoughts. "Oh, well I'm sure you could get one of your fathers interns to drive you.." Grace cut in, her attention now on Eli. "No" she says abruptly "We're fine thank you. Can you make sure the press stay away please" she asked hesitantly and it reminded me of her mother. The way Alicia would talk about the media, you could tell by the sound of her voice that she hated them but she still managed to keep her nice political voice on. "I'll try my best but you know how they are" Eli responded and I took one glance at Kalinda and Diane who were staring intensely at the two teenagers. I looked back and once again I was reminded of how beautiful they are, they look so much like Alicia and it's striking but also agonising. "Okay, well…. Lets go" Zach gestured hesitantly towards his sister and she nodded indifferently. "Goodbye" she said awkwardly with a tight throat before walking away._

That was the last time I saw them, the last time I heard about them which was from Cary that Zach had gotten accepted into Georgetown and Veronica moved into the apartment with Grace as she spent her last year of high school in Chicago. I always thought that Grace would live with Peter but Cary mentioned that Peter was suffering through so much grief that he couldn't even stay in the apartment where his wife lived and Grace couldn't bear to sell the apartment so she insisted that she stay in it for her last year.

Ever since her death I feel like I have been living in somebody else's body. I feel numb as I lay in bed and dream about her, about alternatives if she were alive, what we could be doing right now. I hate myself every day for the way I treated her the last few months of her living. If I could have just gotten the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her, how much she meant to me then maybe I wouldn't feel so lost and hurt. I've forgotten what she looks like, I can vaguely remember her dark hair and her porcelain skin but everything else is a blur.

The date today is March 14th, the exact day she was shot and died in her own blood in the lap of a stranger. As I lay in bed with my eyes closed listening to the pouring rain outside I consider maybe opening my eyes but I can't find the strength to do so. I can distinctively hear someone calling my name, someone that is rather close, almost as if they're lying next to me. "Will" I can recognise the voice from a mile away and as soon as I realise that its hers it takes me a few seconds to open my eyes.

I'm scared, I don't know why but I'm afraid If I open, it won't be her. I gradually open my eyes an am met with her green ones. She's lying on her side, her head rested on the pillow and she's staring at me with her beautiful smile laced on her mouth. I can't tell if I'm dreaming or not but as I look around I am met with the fact that this is definitely not a dream. It feels so real. "Hey sleepyhead" she says through her amused grin. I squint my eyes to see if this is all real and eye her up and down. Her face begins to fall as she looks at me in pity. "You can't keep living like this Will" she whispers and I feel my heart drop south. I gaze into her beautiful green eyes and feel tears well up in mine. "Your gone" I manage to say through my broken façade of a voice.

She nods her head sadly "Yes but I'm still here. In your heart" her words cut like a knife and I slowly move my hand up to touch hers, I realise its real but her body is cold, freezing cold and pale. Her porcelain skin is shiny but there's a slight tint to it. "You're not real" I reply and it takes me by surprise as she giggles. "Did you just realise that?" she says through her wide grin and it brings a smile to my face. We lay there in silence just gazing into each other's eyes, my hand covering hers. I wish I could smell her scent or feel her warm pulse but there's nothing, no smell, no heartbeat, just her. My face falls and I feel her hand travel up to my face, brushing her thumb over my cheek. "I miss you" my voice breaks. "Come back" I whisper and she smiles sadly. "I wish I could" she admits "You need to do something for me Will" I stare at her suspiciously. Is it her kids? Is it something she forgot?

"I need you to get up, stop moping around. Do something, you can't keep living like this Will" she whispers and I look down defeated. This is now the only way I know how to live, I've been living in this bubble for the past year that I don't even know what life is worth living for anymore. "I can't"

"You can!" she instructs sternly. "You have to, you have no choice. If not for yourself or your life do it for me Will. Please" she begs and I realise that there are a few tears cascading down her face. I try my best to wipe them away but they don't feel real. Her tears feel ice cold and I realise that it's a result of the rest of her bodies form.

"I loved you" I manage to say through my shattered voice. "I loved you too"

In another life those words could probably reduce me to being the happiest man in this whole entire universe but now, it just makes me even more broken. "And I still do, which is why you need to get the hell out of this apartment. Do something for Christ sake" she says making me laugh.

"I've already tried Alicia, I can't.." she interrupts me "Stop saying I can't. As far as I can remember Will Gardner has never said 'I can't" –she giggles.

"I can't bear to see you like this Will" she admits and I stare at her in shock.

"Can you see everything from up there?" I ask making her laugh

"Not everything" –she admits

"But I can feel it and its unbearable Will. You've been going on like this for a whole year now." She finishes and I feel my heart split into a million pieces as I realise that she's right. I've been walking around in a ghost's body for 365 days.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye" My voice breaks and she smiles sadly as she brushes her hand through my hair. Her soft touch is amazing but the ice cold skin that comes with it is agonizing although I'd rather have her cold and her immobile heart than nothing.

"Nobody gets to say goodbye" she whispers and I move my hand up to her face, brushing her cheek. Even though she looks pale as a ghost she's still breathtakingly beautiful.

"How about we make a compromise" I start off and she lifts and eyebrow at me grinning. "I get up, get my life together, start being myself again and in exchange you stay here with me" I half joke but there's another side of me that's serious and I know she can see it. She laughs and I am once again reminded of how beautiful and out of character her laugh it.

"You know if I could Will, I would" –she starts off "But then that would mean you'd be talking to a ghost for the rest of your life and therefore your family will soon shift you into a mental institute" she says making me burst into laughter. I lean my head forward in laughter and she takes the opportunity to place her hand over my head and place a kiss on my hair.

"And plus, even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to. I have to go back soon" she says and I sigh defeated and look back up to gaze into her eyes.

"What's it like up there?" I asks and she shrugs "Different" she admits making me smile.

"Do you think I could come up with you?" I giggle and she shakes her head stern. "You've still got a while to go Will" I look down defeated.

"But I want to" I insist and she shakes her head. "Please Will, don't think like that" –she begs. "I need you to stay. I need you to look after everything" she explains and I stare at her curiously. "Look after everything?" I say confused and she nods. "I need you to keep an eye on my kids" she explains and it all suddenly clicks in. "But they don't even know me" I admit and she smiles while brushing her hand around my ear and through my hair.

"They will get to know you. It'll take time" she explains and I stare at her in curiosity. "Can you tell the future from up there?" I giggle and she laughs.

"No but I've always known it" she admits. "They're a lot like you, you know. They're both really stubborn"-she laughs "They're both patient, kind and loving. And also another thing you guys have in common is that you were loved so much from me" she says softly causing a few tears to form in my eyes and cascade down my cheeks. She brushes them away and presses her lips to my forehead. I lean my head into her chest and in another life, a few years ago. I was able to hear her heartbeat but now it's anonymous and it's an inexplicable feeling to have.

"I'm sorry for the way I treated you. I never got to tell you how sorry I was Alicia…" she stops me lifting my head up to face hers. "Hey" –she comforts softly. "Stop that, stop punishing yourself Will. That stuff doesn't matter to me, what's important is that you know how much I loved you and you get up and sort yourself out." She instructs and I smile lightly as I realise her words. She did love me, of course she did. "I love you Alicia" the words slip out of my mouth as if we've said it to each other a million times. "I love you too" she whispers and the tears in my eyes fall on their own accord.

"Can you promise me you'll sort yourself out soon Will?" she says hesitantly, it takes me a while to reply but I know that if not for my sake, but for hers that I must start living. Maybe definitely not in the same way as before, I wouldn't know how to do that. But start living in a world where I can see things for what they are again and not just a blur.

"Okay" I whisper "I promise to try my hardest" I giggle lightly and feel her body immediately ease. "Thank you" she whispers softly and places a cold but gentle kiss on my lips. I lean my head into her chest on my own accord, I don't even know why, all I want to do it stare into those beautiful eyes but what I want more than anything is to be held by her. She slips her arms around my shoulders and cradles my head into her chest placing gentle kisses on top of my head. Her body is ice cold, so cold that it makes me shiver but I hold on tight to her, so tight that it leaves marks on her body but she doesn't seem to care and I don't care either, I'm so afraid that she will easily slip out my arms like sand. She holds me and soon I fall asleep in her tight grip feeling her lips placed on my forehead.

I wake up to an empty bed and cold sheets. I should be mad or broken but I can't find the energy, my conversation with her has reduced me to being in somewhat of a better place. I know I need to start living and the fact that I now know how much she actually loved me and how much she trusts me to take care of her kids has given me the strength to finally start making a life out of myself. The doorbell of my apartment door rings and interrupts me from thinking. I decide to ignore it, it's probably Kalinda or Diane checking on me because of the fact that it's been an exact year since her passing but as the doorbell continues to ring I find myself getting confused. Kalinda or Diane would by now have taken the fact that I'm not in the mood but this person obviously doesn't take no for an answer. I slowly shrift off and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look absolutely horrible, it's probable to say that I look like someone who's medically sick. My hair is ruffled up, I don't know why I wore jeans to bed and my white shirt reflects back on my pale skin. I make my way through the hall way towards the kitchen and groan as the light through my wide apartment window stings my eyes. It's easy to say that it's mid-afternoon around four a clock and exactly a year ago this is when I found out. I groan as the doorbell keeps ringing and make it clear by my shouting to the other person behind the door that I'm coming. I finally open the door and am instantly shocked as I meet my visitor. Her brown golden hair is shorter than before and her brown eyes are a reflection of Alicia's even though Alicia has or had green eyes, sometimes early in the morning they were brown. She looks so much like her mother in some ways, it's almost unbearable. Grace stands before me in a long purple coat with jeans and simple sneakers on, she has a large box in her hands and that's when I recognise the meaning of her visit particularly the part where the box clearly has _Georgetown _written on it in Alicia's delicate handwriting.

"I'm sorry… I…" she starts off but is unable to continue as she eyes me up and down with pity and sadness forming in her face.

"No….its ..its okay. I uh, I was just getting up" I explain and try to suppress the need to kick myself for being unable to form the right words. "Do you want to come in?" I ask hesitantly my eyes laced on the cardboard box that she's carrying. She nods her head and walks in hesitantly. After I close the door I notice her stand awkwardly glancing around the apartment and gesture for her to follow me. "Do you want a drink or something?" I ask out of habit and wonder if I even have food in my apartment in the first place. She lightly shakes her head and I move over towards the sofa and she follows me. She places the cardboard box on the coffee table in front of me and places what looks like her car keys beside her as she gradually sits on the couch opposite and folds her legs. I try not to giggle at how much she acts like Alicia, she looks like her, she acts like her. Is it ever going to stop?

"I um"-she starts off. "I was packing a few things and found this in her wardrobe, I didn't go through everything but I found a picture of you two and I just thought that I should probably give to you instead of throwing it out" –she pauses expecting me to respond but my eyes can't seem to leave the familiar handwriting of Alicia's. It's like she's never left. It's odd that this morning I was talking to Alicia or talking to her ghost? And she said that one day I would grow or have some sort of relationship with her children and this situation seems to be accuarate or a starting point towards her words.

Grace continues-"I know that you two went to Georgetown together and I know that it meant a lot to mom so I couldn't find the courage to throw it out. I hope you want to keep it because I don't think I could take it to college with me" –she giggles lightly and I manage to form a smile. "Thank you Grace" I respond.

"I um, I didn't know how to get a hold of you so I called your law firm and Miss Lockhart gave me the number to your address if you were wondering" she gestures and I nod my head. "Thanks for taking the time to bring it over, I know there's probably so much other things you could be doing today" the last word echoes in the air and I know that she's recognised what I meant. Today a year ago her mother died so yeah, the last thing she would want to do is visit her mother's ex-lover.

"Well actually, I've had it for a couple of weeks. I just couldn't find the strength to call you or try and find you" she admits and I nod my head understandably. "You mentioned you're going to college?"

She nods her head with a smile "Yes, Georgetown" she explains and I feel my heart drop as I take in her words. Of course she is.

"Oh wow, what are you studying?"

"Law" she says it in a hesitant way as if it could cut me like a knife and it does, it really does.

"Oh" I pause and grasp what to say next. "Well, you'd me a great lawyer. It runs in the jeans" I say with a tight voice and she smiles as a thank you. "When are you going?"

"Next week" she replies and it takes me by surprise. "Next week? That's pretty quick" I notice and she nods agreeably.

"Yeah, I was supposed to start earlier on this year but last year I took a month off school so I had a little work to catch up on" –she explains.

"Oh right, well I'm sure you'll be fine. The first two years are pretty hard but you'll fly through it like a kite." She smiles widely. "Thanks, I hope so."

Silence soon falls before she speaks up again. "How have you been?" It takes me by surprise, especially because she says it in the same tone as her mother used to. Grace seems so much older and mature for her age and that's probably a result of the shit she's had to deal with in the last year.

"I'm…"-I hesitate "It's, um I'm.." I struggle to form the words and this is something she notices as she stops me. "It's okay, you don't have to explain." I realise that I haven't even asked her much of how she's been. "How are you?"

"Good" it sounds genuine and I wonder how she did it, how she got past the line of grief. "It's been a long hard year but I feel alright now" she explains and I smile, happy that she's alright. Happy that she isn't feeling the same way I am at the moment.

"How's your brother?" It slips out and I mentally kick myself for asking. Maybe it's too personal? Do I even have a right to ask that question? She doesn't seem to mind it though as she responds with a slight smile. "He's doing well. He's at Georgetown as well, he studies computer, technology stuff, total geek" she chuckles and I wonder just how close they are and then I realise they gotta be close, after the way Zach held his sister at their mother's funeral I know that Alicia has taught her children to love and care for one another.

"That sounds cool" I reply and stare off into space, towards the box that is currently sitting in front of me. "There's a few other things in there as well. Work stuff I found in her draw" –she explains. "Thank you Grace, it means a lot" I say through a horse broken voice and this is something she notices.

"I'm sorry that I haven't taken the opportunity to talk to you until now. I didn't know what to say" she starts off and I interrupt her "Don't worry about it, I understand. I didn't even know what to say to you as well. I mean, afterwards I didn't even know what to say to anyone." I admit and I recognise something in her face as sympathy and compassion.

"Can I ask you something?" She asks hesitantly and I nod my head. "Were you and my mom… like a thing at the time? You know, during the shootings" her question takes me totally by surprise and I furrow my eyebrows confused. "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer, its none of my business" she starts off but I assure her that it's fine.

"No, It's okay to be curious" I pause before answering her question. "We weren't" I answer in a tight honest disappointing voice. "We were but that was a long time ago when she was separated from your dad but it ended" I explain disappointment showing through my face.

"Why?" she asks curious and it takes me a little by surprise. I sigh before answering "Things were getting complicated. I mean, I was her boss and she was still legally married." –she cuts me off, gently. "Was this is in the year two thousand and eleven?" I nod my head slightly confused and something as realisation hits her. "That was the happiest I had seen her in a long time" she admits in a whisper and my heart literally pounds faster and faster as I recall the memories and the night Alicia whispered it to me. _This is the happiest I've ever been. _

Silence soon falls "She was leaving my father" Grace says out of the blue and I stare at her puzzled. "Before the incident. She wanted a divorce" –she says and it all suddenly clicks in, my heart beats faster as I listen to Grace continue. "We didn't know why but all she could say was that she wasn't happy anymore. Her and my dad had a huge fight a few nights before the shootings and that was the last time he saw her. That's why my dad has been, you know" she explains and I nod my head deep in thought. "I figured that she was divorcing him because she was with you but she assured me and Zach that you and her weren't together and we knew she was telling the truth because she's always been a bad liar and she's never really lied to us" she giggles and stares at me in somewhat of curiosity and compassion. I know I look like shit but the way she's looking at me it's as if I'm a dying stranger laying on my death bed and in another alternative I probably am.

"I didn't know" I say through my hoarse broken voice. "How is, uh, your father?"

She smiles in empathy. "He's alright, he's doing pretty good actually. He returned back to office several months ago and is doing his best with me and Zach although Zach's old enough to look after himself, dad still manages to take a few trips up to Washington to visit him."

"Well it's good to know that your father is doing well"

"Yeah, I wish I could say the same about you." I laugh at her honesty. God, could this girl be any more like Alicia?

"You sound just like your mother" I admit and she chuckles.

She glances around my apartment in wonder and I think I already know what she's thinking. "Did she come here?" she asks hesitantly and I gradually nod my head in honesty.

"A few times" –I admit and am unable to continue. I'm definitely not going to get into the details of what her mother and I did in this exact apartment and I highly doubt that she would want to know but I can tell by her sympathetic look as she gazes around the apartment that she maybe wishes she could see for herself the relationship her mother and I had. There were some nights where instead of having sex we would cuddle up together on the couch and watch movies, those are the memories I miss and long for the most.

"I miss her everyday" she whispers sadly and my heart clenches in pain as I realise what could possibly go through a teenagers mind as they lose a parent, especially a parent as wonderful and amazing and Alicia could be.

"Me too" I admit "me too"

"I loved her so much" she says and I smile in sympathy. "I loved her too" I admit hesitantly and she smiles coherently as if she knows my words are true. Of course she knows, this past year I've been looking like shit and today, I look ten times worst because of the circumstance of the date and she's obviously recognised that.

"You made my mom very happy" Grace says and her words suddenly make me feel truly grateful. I know I did something to reduce the pain in Alicia's life but it's always good to hear someone else say it, someone that Alicia loved and cared about more than anything.

"Thank you Grace, that means a lot." I feel myself shutting down and look down defeated with a deep sigh, running my hands through my hair. I consider maybe telling her about my exchange this morning but then the fact that in anybody else's eyes it would be considered as talking to a ghost and then I would be measured as mentally crazy I ultimately choose the ladder of just disregarding it and letting Grace move on with the next subject matter.

I can tell that the next question forming out of Graces mouth is a hesitant shy one as she struggles to comprehend the right words. "Did mom make you happy?"

I shoot my head up to face hers. "Some of my happiest memories come from her. Actually, all my happy memories come from her and my time at Georgetown" I can tell she's currently taking my words with interest and as she forms a happy smile I know that she knows every single fibre of my being is her mother. Her mother was and will be the only person I've ever loved.

"I really wish we could have gotten to know each other while mom was around Will, it would probably have made her really happy." She says shyly and I smile, the first real smile ever since my last one this morning with Alicia. "I do too. I hope we can still have that opportunity sometime in the future" I propose and she nods agreeably. "I hope so too and I look forward to telling my brother about this when I get into Washington" she chuckles.

"Please don't mention the part that I currently look like a homeless man, I'm already suffering through the judgements of my work colleagues" I say making her laugh.

"I'll try and leave that bit out although I can't make any promises" she says and I smile before gradually leaning a little closer towards the box, the smell of Alicia is so vivid and I haven't even opened it yet. It's obvious that it's been sitting in her wardrobe quite a while because the smell of her ironed suits and wonderful smell of her laundry powder is still fresh. This is something Grace also notices as she speaks up. "You smell it too huh?" I stare at her bewildered and she nods towards the box. I sadly nod my head and she smiles sympathetically.

"After she passed, when no one was home I used to walk inside her room, open all the draws and her closet and lay on the floor and just smell it. Smell her and it was like she never left. I stopped doing it after my grandmother and Uncle Owen walked in on me asleep on the floor and threatened to take me to counselling" –she giggles. "I know it's stupid but at the time it just felt normal"

"It's not stupid" I say and stare at her intensely. "That's quite wonderful actually. To be honest sometimes I wish for that as well. Although I can't seem to find her smell anywhere" I say softly and notice something as tears well up in her eyes but she manages to hold them in

"Well then, that box is probably going to fragrance your whole room out" she giggles and I smile as a response. "I still have all of her scarfs and I take at least one with me everywhere even when it's not cold. I know that sounds absolutely mental but I feel like because her smell is so distinctive that she's there with me in a way. Encouraging me to do things, to go back to school or come here" –she admits slowly and I realise what she means. In some way it's Alicia who encouraged Grace to bring the box and its Alicia who's encouraging me to get a grip and get my life together.

"What are you doing with the apartment?" I ask hesitantly.

"Well, my dad sold the house in Highland Park and moved into an apartment in the city and he never really wanted moms apartment anyway so were going to sell it. My grandmother is moving back in with her boyfriend" –Grace rolls her eyes grinning. "I considered maybe leaving it, giving it to someone to rent and then Zach and I could take it after college but you have to let go sometime you know? So we've decided to just sell it, it's best for everyone." It's amazing to see how much this girl has grown, I can't distinctively remember the first time I met her, probably a couple of years ago during that night in court, the night of the gubernatorial voting's and the night when Alicia and I kissed. The last kissed we ever shared. Grace seemed so vulnerable and extremely cautious and reluctant during that night, fast forward to two years later. So much has happened in her life that it's resulted in her becoming stronger and willing to take those nervous first steps even without her mother by her side. I just wish I could say the same about me.

"That's really brave of you Grace, to make those types of decisions, that's really courageous of you. I just wish I had that same strength" –I admit poorly, I sound so much like a guy who's puppy has just died but I know by the sympathetic smile that Grace offers me each time I speak that she understands.

"Thanks Will, I'm glad you noticed. I think I've inherited mom's asset of strength and braininess." She says it jokingly. "I always used to admire her perfect comebacks, like she always knew what to say" I chuckle at her words.

"Well you've definitely inherited your mother's intelligence and strength but you don't need me to tell you that" I wink and she smiles widely before looking down towards the box and then back up at me.

"Well I should go" –she glances down at her watch. "Give you a chance to go through the box on your own. There's a few personal things in there as well" she warns as she stands up, her car keys dangling with her movement. I realise as I stand up and glance towards her hand that she has Alicia's car keys with the little toy cat that's attached to it in which I remember so vividly as one time I drove her silver car when we travelled to Madison County for work. "Of course, thank you for stopping by Grace. I hope to see you again" I guide her towards the door and my words echo through the hallway. Mostly because they're true, I need to stick to my promise of taking care of Alicia's kids but I just don't know how.

"Yes, of course. Maybe next time we can talk a bit about mom and her college years? She never told us anything about it." She says hesitantly and I nod my head.

"Yeah, sure. I'd love to. I have a lot of embarrassing stories etched in my brain somewhere." I explain and she nods with a pleased smile and grateful attitude. "If you need anything, don't be afraid to call the office" I gesture and she smiles appreciative. Before I close the door as she begins to walk out she pauses and stops halfway.

"Will?"

I stare at her waiting for her to continue and the next words are so simple.

"Lavender and strawberries" I stare at her confused for a few seconds. "Lavender and strawberries is her laundry powder." Realisation of her words hit me and I hadn't even comprehended until now of the fact that I had been wanting to know that information for so many years. It was like she read my mind even before I grasped it. I nod my head towards her as a thank you and she smiles lightly before walking away.

I gradually make my way towards where we left off and stare at the box for a few moments before finally opening it and Grace was right. The familiar smell of Alicia immediately radiates out of the box. The first thing my eyes meet is a red scarf. A scarf? I pull it out and I realise that it isn't just any scarf. It's the scarf that I brought her for Christmas a few years ago and it still has my writing on the little tag below it. Grace probably noticed it and took it as the fact that I brought it. _Merry Christmas and a happy new year! I look forward to more years in court with you. –Will. P.S enjoys the chocolates while they last, I remember how much of chocoholic you were back at Georgetown ;)_

I smile at the memory and bring the scarf up towards my face smelling its familiar fragrance. Of course it still has her scent, Grace was right. It does have the power to overtake you and urge you to foster off knowing that her smell is there. I place it down beside me and dig into more of this box. I pull a few papers out which look like divorce papers. These must be what Grace referred to as work stuff that she found in the draw and it confused me because Alicia had never mixed work with personal things like your but I soon realise as I go over the writing on the papers that this wasn't just any divorce case. This was a product of her divorce. This is something Grace obviously didn't realise because she probably doesn't understand the protocol of this writing yet but I can distinctively perceive the signature for council as _Cary Agos_ and the client is _Alicia Florrick._ I place them back down on the table and dig more into the box and am met with a few certificates that she must have gained in college. Number one tennis player of the season. Top of the class L1. The last one is what catches my attention the most. It's not so much of a certificate but more a long the lines of a fake drawn out one with my hand writing on it. '_Number one baseball supporter for Georgetown under 25's. No one could ask for a better cheerer than you Leesh'_ I remember her laugh as I gave it to her and she hugged me tightly replaying that she was glad to support what I loved to do even if she didn't have a clue of what baseball was about.

I shook the tears away and dug more into the box coming across what I can only assume is a couple graduation photos. The first is of the two of us with four other people, our friends who sadly, I can hardly remember. We all have wide smiles for the camera and my hand is around her waist while she has hers around my shoulder. The next photo is of just me and her. We both have our arms on each other's shoulders, holding our certificates proudly and smiling happily towards the camera. I brush my thumb over the picture before setting it down and looking for more.

The next item I pull out is a Georgetown grey sweatshirt. At first it looks a little too big to be hers and then I recognise that it's actually mine. I gave it to her somewhat 20 years ago and she still has it. I smell it and it still has that old scent of the old days mixed in with her particular scent and perfume. It's an amazing combination of fragrance except I know that it will soon fade. I dig my face into the shirt and breathe it in for several minutes, the tears fall on their own accord and by the end, the sweatshirt is stained with salt water. I set it down and dry the tears away before looking back into the cardboard box.

I can see quite a lot of written letters and I realise that they're my letters; the letters that we would write to each other during holidays back at Georgetown. I can't believe she still has them, she saved them this whole time. I consider maybe going through them and reading every single one but that would just be a waste of time considering I know what every single one says because, I also, have her letters stashed somewhere in my closet. So many memories, so much time wasted and in the end what does it mean? She spent 44 years of her life climbing the ladder of success and raising a family to do what? End up falling in the middle of a crossfire and getting shot by her own client. For this past year I have been wishing that it was me; wishing that I was the one shot instead of her. That would be fair wouldn't it? I mean it's not like I have children to look after and lead in life. But then there's the fact that if it were me and not her, the thought of what she were to experience makes me shudder to my absolute core. It would be heart breaking to watch her go through what I'm going through at the moment.

The next item I find is a photo, one single photo of us two and as soon as I realise it was only taken a few years ago it makes me tremble. I remember that morning intensely. It was a Saturday morning, the kids were with Peter and she stayed at my house all weekend and it honestly made me the happiest man in Chicago. She had gotten a hold of my Polaroid camera, the ones where you take a photo and it prints out of the camera automatically. I don't know how she found it but she came into my bedroom with just a white singlet and black panties on and jumped in the bed cuddling up to my side._ "What are you doing?" I asked as she was holding the camera in her hands. "Taking a photo" she simply replied and I laughed while snuggling the crook of her neck. "You know how much I hate photos" I mumbled and she laughed. "Just hurry up, I wanna test your camera out" she instructed and I groaned. I can never say no to this woman. "Okay" I mumbled stealing a quick kiss away from her lips before getting ready to take the photo. She put it up in the air, her arms on each side, I smile somewhat okay and she snaps it. _As I look at it now, her smile is beaming. The white satin sheets that surround us make it look like it's professionally taken. The photo ends just above her waistline and her white singlet makes her look outstanding and slim reflecting back on my grey sweatshirt. In this moment, we look so happy, so perfect.

I place everything on the coffee table and with one swift motion I take my shirt off and replace it with the grey Georgetown sweatshirt that used to be mine. I sigh as I grab the blanket on the side of the sofa and lay down on the couch, flick the TV on and soon fall asleep. Today, I will continue in the same direction as I have this past year but tomorrow will be a different story. I know it will be hard to move on with my life but I have to do it, for her sake. I think the only thing that will get me through the day is the fact that she loved me, I loved her and she'll be there with me every step of the way even though that won't necessarily mean having her next to me.

**Seven years later**

Will walked through the restaurant across the street from the courthouse, he was meeting Zach for lunch and Grace had just texted him saying that court was taking a while and she'd try not to be too long. Zach was getting married in a couple of months and he and Nisa were traveling back to Washington to visit Peter in the white house before coming back home to Chicago and working on the final preparations for the wedding. Over the past seven years he had grown close with Zach and Grace and Will was glad that Grace took his offer of working at the firm after she graduated. He knew all the firms in the whole state would want the president's daughter to work for them and ultimately try and somehow corrupt her and that was what Grace feared the most. Grace changed her sir name to Cavanaugh to try and somehow live a normal life or be judged by her work and not her father's career although people still seemed to notice her. Soon after Grace left his apartment all those years ago Will got his life together, he travelled the world for a couple of months before moving back into work, Diane was still a little worried about him especially because of the fact that he started spending a lot of time with the florrick kids but nevertheless she was extremely grateful that he was back on game. Will was the first person Zach called for girl advice. He was the first person Zach told about the engagement. He was the first person Grace used for a shoulder to cry on as she found out her father was getting married, she said it felt like he was trying to replace her mother. He was the first person she called as she broke up with her college sweetheart and his heart broke as she said that it was times like this she wished her mother was here. He wasn't trying to replace Peter but he felt like a father to these kids. He loved them as if they were his own. Not a single day went by when Will didn't think about _her _and as much as he would like to admit he loved the fact that after eight years of her passing she was always his number one. He dated other woman, well not so much as dated, but been out with a few. He liked them and they liked him but it was never anything more. His whole life revolved around work and his family. Zach and Grace were his family, Aubrey and Sara were more a part of his life than before. Aubrey and her husband moved to Chicago and she gave birth to two twin girls a few years ago who were now Will's whole life. Zach and Grace spent new year's eve with them last year and it was the first time Will realised that this, whatever this was. This was his family.

"Dude, I didn't notice you with your grey hair" Zach joked as Will pulled him in for a hug.

"Ha ha, gee thanks Zach. How profound of you" he grinned. "Where's Nisa?" he asked as they sat in the booth of the restaurant.

"She apologized, she couldn't make it. Last minute dress stuff" –he rolled his eyes grinning. "I don't know where Grace is though"

"Oh yeah, she texted, said she's running late in court. How are you? Haven't seen you in while?"

Zach nodded "I'm great, works been crazy at the moment. I don't know if you've heard. Neil Gross is giving half shares to all the partners" he explains and Will smiles widely. "No way! Does that mean?"

Zach nods his head happily. "Twenty percent of the full company" Zach smiles widely. "Dude! That's awesome" Will's eyes light up and Zach giggles.

"You look more happy for me than I am for myself' Zach notices and Will chuckles. "Well, why aren't you?"

Zach shrugs. "It just means more hours and more ordering people around" he explains

"I thought you liked ordering people around?" Will chuckles making Zach grin.

"I do, it's just the conflict part of it all I don't enjoy" He says and Will shakes his head in amusement making Zach furrow his eyebrows curious.

"What?"

"Nothing" he shakes his head

"Tell me" Will pauses. "I was just thinking you sound so much like your mother" Will replies making Zach laugh.

"I can't recall the number of times you have said that to me" he laughs and Zach can distinctively hear his sisters heals clicking on the floor as she walks into the café.

"Yea sure, I'm right on it" Grace says into her cell phone as she spots Will and Zach sitting in the corner.

"No problem, I'll see you in a bit Diane" she replies before hanging up.

"Hey guys" she says jumping beside Will in the booth. "You look very cheerful today" Zach notices and Grace nods her head with a smile.

"We got a settlement" she says to Will.

"Really? How much?"

"Twelve million" she smiles widely as Will's eyes widen in shock.

"Seriously?" Grace nods. She second chaired with Cary on the case and it's probable to say that if it weren't for her than they probably wouldn't have gotten past ten million. Grace has the ability to persuade people, just like Alicia.

"Wow! Good work Grace! Diane should be pretty happy with that one" Will comments enthusiastically.

"Yes she is. Now, let's order, I'm starving" She says and together the three of them go through the menu.

Will once remembers one thing Alicia said to him all those years ago that will forever stay in his mind. "This is the happiest I've ever been"

In this moment, this is one of the times in eight years of his life where he's been the happiest he has been in a long time.

THE END

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_**Thanks for making it this far. Please review**_


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